The Wrong Impression Guy

Another morning with a cigarette, staring at my blank horizon. Feeling wrong altogether. I have woken from a night with my desires crucified, yet again. An immobile smile is etched on my face with a mix of humility, embarrassment and nonchalance. It has taken me this far and long to realize what I have always known all along.

I have a penchant for a certain kind of guy. One who is unavailable, distant, cold and cruel disguised as funny, interesting.

"You got to be a masochist," a friend said. In my sexual fantasy, I am and in reality, I might be.

Certain experiences have to be learned. Statues of limitations to be followed and after years of exemplary failures, I have almost come to thinking that I got it. That is until last night. I have grown a certain amount of fondness for a certain fellow. He definitely fits the mold. unavailable, distant, cold and cruel disguised as funny, interesting. However, he is an upgraded version for his looks... Well, let us just say beyond interesting. But then as I move forward with my intentions, it hit me - this is the very abusive cycle that has got me thinking.

After all the progress I have made, it will be unfortunate if I back out now.

Walk Away

A douche bag once said, “ If I want to move on, why should I wait? I am going to do it now.” If this douche bag is able to pick up the pieces from his heydays of making self-gratifying sex videos, so can I.

There will always be a wound, a scar, or a mark that will remind you of that terrible accident in your life. That mistake you wish never happened. That misstep. That mishap. And no matter how much effort you do to erase it, every time its memory comes up, you can see yourself biting your lip and closing your eyes in shame. The pangs of that stupid mistake get you every time.

I cannot disclose mine. It's much more political to stay silent about the matter and write in this manner. But this I will tell, the reason for committing mistakes of this nature in your life may come from the fact that you have compromised the inner thoughts of your core being. People, no matter how dim-witted, have an inherent sense of what is wrong or right for them. I have managed to blur the lines of that judgment by going after a moment. Oh, what an idiot.

The memory of that giant glossy blunder will always catch up with us when we are somewhere between contentment and selective amnesia. I am grateful that it happened for in my situation, the great fault begets growth.

R.O.Y.

A certain amount of courage between the lines of despondence and hope comes through when there is nothing left. Getting out of a limbo and moving away from the spiritual planes of a personal battle be it heaven, purgatory, or hell takes more than sheer will. I have been in hell for 8 months, 6 days and 10 pounds. Then to purgatory for three months and 6 pounds less. It is time for heaven.

To be real, I already knew my stand in this matter. In my mind, however, I wanted a confirmation. Lucky for me, an event brought me the answer. He brought it to me. The man had put me in a situation where I would come face-to-face with his honesty. And like a tidal wave of all my guilt, the encounter washed me out completely. On the onset, I managed to handle it well. I acknowledged this ghost because it was talking to me. I had no choice. I had to perform the exorcism. It was then I figured I created my own monster and it was haunting me.

The following day, I have reckoned the answer that could break off the curse of this ghost. So, when that ghost comes back, I am ready. I have the spell to dismiss it. Indeed, I am no longer in hell.

In the Annette Bening Of My Mind

At the wake of my overdue heartache, I want to sit by the coolness of my realizations and be reflective. This is it – the end. I am at the twilight of all hopes and wishes that we will be okay. To seem fair, I really tried. Forgiving, forgetting. And for a moment it happened. But no amount of well wishes for him can compare to the level of hurt and shame he has placed me. This feels like an unattainable balance between the best and the worst of our memories.

And now, the sight of him has become unbearable. Everyday I have to hold on to the core of my beliefs that one day when the sands of time says so, I and/ or we will be fine. Here’s hoping. I’m just pretty beat up with the idea of getting back. The diabolical plan of staging an arresting revenge on him and his most treasured ego is just a waste of my time. This is an indicative response that my body and mind in unison, is moving on.

If this is so, then what am I doing now? Obsessing on the right words to use because I keep on having one last thing to say? Building a huge slideshow in my mind of all the things that led and kept me here? I really don’t know anymore. All I can still feel is this massive pain, this body blow.

The thing is, I have been here, this feeling but never in this state in all of my times and life. One of my best friends blames me for getting caught in this predicament. Maybe to her, I have given the man a lot of credit, trust, love and belief to a fault. And the man may have used all of these against me. Heck, I am using those, too to hurt me. That even makes me more stupid than I already am.

Time to admit defeat. Throw in the towel. Wave the white flag up, way way up. All those clichés that will continue on to embody losses and heartbreaks and separations. I fell in love with that “Casanova” notion of him in me and somehow have gotten mesmerized until things turned out to be what they really are. This is phony and I had to go through that paralyzing knockout before seeing it clearly. This is a mirage of the things I wish I had. I have unveiled the ugly truth already. All I have to do is move away from the illusion. Wake up from the haze. I am on it but this track is like a yo-yo.

If there is a way I can fuck my rage and be done with it in seconds, I am going to do it. Forget the high-road and the maturity. Where is that shortcut?

The PILOT

In this video the character of Winona Ryder, Susanna, wakes up on the night before she gets discharged from an asylum. Susanna realizes that her journal is gone and her cat, Ruby. She gets up to search but soon heard some noises coming from the basement where she and her friends usually hang out. Susanna follows the voices she has been hearing. It is her friend, Lisa, played by Angelina Jolie. Lisa is reading Susanna's journal in the cold and poorly-lit basement and she has an audience, Polly and Georgina.

Lisa (reading Susanna's journal): Lisa's eyes once so magnetic now just look empty.


Susanna: Lisa, that is mine!

Lisa: Georgina, lies only to people who keep her here. Sometimes I think she wants to live in Oz forever. How perceptive...

Georgina (lashing out to Susanna): You better erase it! My father is the head of the CIA and he can have you dead in minutes!

Lisa: In this world looks are everything. Sometimes I think Polly's sweetness and purity aren't genuine at all but a desperate attempt to make it easier at us to look at her. So nice to pass judgment on us now that you're cured.

Susanna: What the fuck are you doing Lisa?

Lisa: I'm trying to play the villain, baby. Just like what you want. Just trying to give you everything you want.

Susanna: No, you're not.

Lisa: You want your file? I gave you your file. You wanted out? I got you out! You needed money, I found you some! I fucking insisted to tell you the truth I didn't fucking write it in a fucking book. I told it to your face!

For two fucking minutes, I felt like I was Susanna.

There are situations when life pushes you to the brink of your sanity and you write down and express what it is that you feel and you cross your fingers that for a mere moment releasing these words will bring you back to your "normal" self. Now, you can only wish these thoughts will remain private. But when you find out that these musings will be used and misinterpreted as something that they are not, in the end these will only contribute to the magnitude of bleak-osity going on in your life.

Truth is, I have had the same experience with Susanna. The thought is not exactly dark in nature. It is in fact humorous, of course, at the expense of others. Then again, it is not purposely conceived to offend anyone. However, some people has taken that side. And since they have chosen to see it that way, I have made it a point to apologize To what extent do they want me to apologize is still unknown. To me though, I am done with it.

If this story finds them, I want to tell them that I had a ball making and writing that joke but more importantly, I want them to know how sorry I am if they ever feel maligned by it.

That is a just thought. It is actually private and it is mine.