The Wrong Impression Guy

Another morning with a cigarette, staring at my blank horizon. Feeling wrong altogether. I have woken from a night with my desires crucified, yet again. An immobile smile is etched on my face with a mix of humility, embarrassment and nonchalance. It has taken me this far and long to realize what I have always known all along.

I have a penchant for a certain kind of guy. One who is unavailable, distant, cold and cruel disguised as funny, interesting.

"You got to be a masochist," a friend said. In my sexual fantasy, I am and in reality, I might be.

Certain experiences have to be learned. Statues of limitations to be followed and after years of exemplary failures, I have almost come to thinking that I got it. That is until last night. I have grown a certain amount of fondness for a certain fellow. He definitely fits the mold. unavailable, distant, cold and cruel disguised as funny, interesting. However, he is an upgraded version for his looks... Well, let us just say beyond interesting. But then as I move forward with my intentions, it hit me - this is the very abusive cycle that has got me thinking.

After all the progress I have made, it will be unfortunate if I back out now.

Walk Away

A douche bag once said, “ If I want to move on, why should I wait? I am going to do it now.” If this douche bag is able to pick up the pieces from his heydays of making self-gratifying sex videos, so can I.

There will always be a wound, a scar, or a mark that will remind you of that terrible accident in your life. That mistake you wish never happened. That misstep. That mishap. And no matter how much effort you do to erase it, every time its memory comes up, you can see yourself biting your lip and closing your eyes in shame. The pangs of that stupid mistake get you every time.

I cannot disclose mine. It's much more political to stay silent about the matter and write in this manner. But this I will tell, the reason for committing mistakes of this nature in your life may come from the fact that you have compromised the inner thoughts of your core being. People, no matter how dim-witted, have an inherent sense of what is wrong or right for them. I have managed to blur the lines of that judgment by going after a moment. Oh, what an idiot.

The memory of that giant glossy blunder will always catch up with us when we are somewhere between contentment and selective amnesia. I am grateful that it happened for in my situation, the great fault begets growth.

R.O.Y.

A certain amount of courage between the lines of despondence and hope comes through when there is nothing left. Getting out of a limbo and moving away from the spiritual planes of a personal battle be it heaven, purgatory, or hell takes more than sheer will. I have been in hell for 8 months, 6 days and 10 pounds. Then to purgatory for three months and 6 pounds less. It is time for heaven.

To be real, I already knew my stand in this matter. In my mind, however, I wanted a confirmation. Lucky for me, an event brought me the answer. He brought it to me. The man had put me in a situation where I would come face-to-face with his honesty. And like a tidal wave of all my guilt, the encounter washed me out completely. On the onset, I managed to handle it well. I acknowledged this ghost because it was talking to me. I had no choice. I had to perform the exorcism. It was then I figured I created my own monster and it was haunting me.

The following day, I have reckoned the answer that could break off the curse of this ghost. So, when that ghost comes back, I am ready. I have the spell to dismiss it. Indeed, I am no longer in hell.