this is the end, yet again

I am in pain. The love of my recent life has decided to gocold on me and this time it will be harder to resuscitate what has been alive. Yes,harder. This is not the first he has done this to me but then I will stay andbeg for a colder treatment.

Why can’t I get that he no longer wants me or that he neverever has?

Ugh! Look at me. I am 28 years old and I still talk like Iam 14. Maybe I am but most probably because I look at love from a very innocentperspective - one that is hopeful, endearing, giving and caring with zeroagenda and just warm. The kind that makes Meg Ryan movies a box office hit.  Isn’t that how it should be? Or should I justtake a shower now?

I maybe far from knowing what it really is or that it isundefinable but what I do know is I want to have that with him.

A month ago I was telling a different story. I was okay forthe first time. I really healed. I started from going out alone, then drinkingand shopping and watching movies by myself. They were all pleasant feelings ofmoving on. And the ultimate miracle was I cared for my career again. I alsostarted exercising. These, to me, were clear indications that the center of myworld shifted back to me.

Then, he got sick. No, before that he asked me out. But thatshit did not push through because he suddenly got ill. To my misery and happiness,he started talking to me again about him getting sick and wanting to see meagain. Like nothing happened and like he did not know I moved on already onlybecause he needed me. Beyond my recovery, he knew that I care a great deal forhim. That would be a fact. Yeah. That and the fact that I already lost my othergreat love, Heron, to cancer six years ago. I would prefer to experiencesomething like that only once.

So, I gave in.

During the first week of his illness, we have been textingabout his plans when he gets better. Us:  watching a movie and hanging out. Him:  getting serious about his work and earningmore money. He has been diagnosed with tonsillitis that time. To both of oursurprise, he is still having fevers during the second week. They told him henow has Typhoid. I have entered panic mode and “baby’d” him really bad.

At first I thought I was just doing what I should be doing –a friend who was open to become more than friends with his sick friend, then I realizedsomething. The situation resembled what I failed to do with Heron. During hislast two years, I stayed far away from him because I promised to do so and alsobecause he was in a relationship. At the time of his death, I went to hisfuneral as a pall-bearer/ widow/friend and that was the demise of an era for me.In hindsight, I regret the fact that I declared I did not anything that has hadto do with him and I was a complete mess after that. This time, I wanted thingsto be different.

I did not want to waste time thinking about how far I shouldgo about caring for him. I just knew that I should. Caring I did, every day Iwould SMS him to ask about his health, chitchat most of the time. Entertain anddistract him from his condition while I rot in worry inside.

On the third week, Typhoid has gone but still the fever persists.They have tested him for Dengue - negative. By that time, I am getting a hunchthat he might be more ill than tonsillitis or typhoid or dengue fever but Ihave to stay strong for him and for myself. I constantly cry at night and haveover-exercised my body to outlast my agony which will greet me again themorning after. Like clockwork, I also begin to lose some possessions because I ampreoccupied thinking about him. I have confiding this situation to three of myfriends.

The fourth is the most crucial of all the weeks. He has beenin and out of the hospital, more tests have been given and the results are givinghim and staunch supporters, his family and I, the same thing. This has resultedto confinement at the hospital for the entire week. This hospital is just a fewwalks away from where I work but still he won’t let me visit. I respect hisdecision since he is a closet gay, as me.

We have stopped texting from there and this is primarilybecause of the location of his IV. So I just wait in absolute hope that he willcome out fine.

A few days later, while I was spending my morning at thechurch praying for him, he has been released. I remain standing where I havebeen told to wait. Believe me when I say I will be the first person to rejoiceabout this development and there is no doubt about that. However, I know at theback of my mind that we will proceed to going back to where our lives stand andthat moment has come as soon as he stepped out of the hospital. He hasforgotten about me.

Does it mean that he is well now? Did he find out what waswrong about him so serious that he won’t me know? Is he okay? I guess I willnever know. I am no doctor or have the knowledge to call a disease symptom butI know his cold heart.

Dedication

i want to say goodbye to that part of me that loves more him than just a friend and i keep on saying that like a prayer.

maybe i said it because i want to validate my feelings.i want him to feel it too.

maybe i have said it so
many times because i believe in the law of attraction. if i say it out loud then the universe will hear me. and i will attract the outcome of that very statement and every thing will fall under that order, that frequency that i wish to latch on to now.

maybe i said that so many times so my heart can keep up with my head. yes, i can be a big cliche yet use it because it is the truth no matter what time of day.

i have said it so many times because i want to recognize that he doesn't love and that i am alone. i get it however, i am not fine with that at all.

perhaps i will miss him.him as the only kind of love i have longed of having ever in my adult life. it can also be because there lies a vacuum in my heart which I never want to happen.

this is the first time that i feel tired. i am tired of chasing after the karls of this world.i just want to have a fresh start and carry on with a vacant heart until things look up or i can resume things with karl as friends. i will truly miss him with every bit of my being or that kind love that i have wanted for myself for so long.

but for now,everything is up to God.if he wills that we end up together,then i am totally up for it. if not,then i am making the right decision.:-)

surrender

today a spiritual journal is reminding
me of the things i cannot let go of. i realized that the difficulty is coming from the fact that once i let go, my hands will be empty or at least that is how i see it.

what they are telling me now is Jesus is telling me to let go of these things and people so I can hold on to him.

so now, my simple prayer is that i learn how to let go and really let God. i want to let go of my fears about the uncertain future and karl, my current object of affection.

the future scares me a lot. i am built to worry about it constantly that it consumes my entirety. i fear that my i will never succeed in something i have no idea i want to do.basta ang alam ko may dapat akong gawin para maging matagumpay. kung anuman yun di ko pa sigurado kung ano.all i know is that whatever i am doing now career wise, natotoxican na ako. gusto ko ng isang trabaho na steady. nakakaprovide ako, nakakaipon at nakakagastos para sa sarili ko.

when it comes to karl,nasimulan ko naman kailangan ko lang ituloy. i need to remind myself that if i continue this way mapapahiya ako.parang di ko na rin mahal ang sarili ko.ayoko din siyang mawala bilang kaibigan ko kahit wala naman siyang natutulong sa akin.siguro meron naman.

kaya lord ang dasal ko lang ay mapagpatuloy ko ang dapat. if i let go of these doesnt mean my existence is useless, if i let go then God will fill my hands.

i am a control freak pero tamad ako. ang dapat ko ngaung gawin ay i lay down ang mga plano ko at lahat yun isurrender kay God para hindi naman ako nababaliw sa kaka isip.

basta alam ko kapag nasa panig naman Niya ako mananatili akong okay.

Goodbye, Really

I always have a problem with goodbyes. They give a certain discomfort to my mind and body so unexplainable; thinking of how to describe it just makes me want to sleep it off. But in life certain things are very certain to happen and that includes goodbyes.

Fact is, this year alone a lot of goodbyes have been said by me. I have said goodbye to an old job that has been a comfort zone to me, good or bad. Some clothes that I have been seen in and have definitely served me good in the style department. Friends who find a career outside the country or friends just moving on to other priorities like marriage, higher education and all those in between. And it is just difficult.

Letting go has never been my cup of tea much less my expertise. I like the feeling of sticking to something that is secure, dependable, comforting and familiar. I will never choose for things that will leave me smoking every thirty minutes out of stress and discomfort. That is just not me. Maybe.

Similarly, I am also drawn to change. If it is something extraordinarily new and exciting, I go after it. Heck, some of my friends even tell me that they know about new things from me be it in music, style, events, places I can very well tell if it is something worth knowing.

So now I don’t know. I am 28 or I will be in a matter of weeks. I am off to a fresh start but for some reason I cannot let go of some things in my life that belong to my past like the comfort of an old job or that giddy feeling from an infatuation. It is hard to bid them farewell but they are over.

I may never be able to master how to mutter a good bye without twitching or imploding but this I can say – goodbyes are in order so changes can take place. This is the way God created certain things in life. How can He give me more fruits if I am still holding on to the rotten ones? Yeah, there is a phrase in the bible that says the same but ... You get what I’m saying, right?

Online Vs. Offline Mike Part Two

Two weeks after the last hangout, Mike and I saw each other again for a night of drinking and dancing. I was on official business, though. A newfound friend of mine just came out. And well hey, with a boy toy by his arm. I, and five other girlfriends came that night to support him. There we were: Mike, my beards, my newfound friend and me.

[Moments after the last encounter with Mike, the flirtatious chats and text messages resumed. I was attracted to him immediately.]

Mike and I were back to our platonic selves. The banters: friendly. The touch: friendly. The look: friendly. One more friendly gesture we do could lead to us gaping at the latest winner of America’s Next Top Model while braiding each other’s hair. I could not stand it. Worst, he had his game face on again. Ugh!

What I learned from the last time was never to compromise myself for Mike or else I would end up getting bored. Even in the company of my friends, I could get bored and yawn my way out of that scene. I had to get the next best entertainment – me, alcohol-ed. As soon as I finished a bottle, two of my gal pals already made it to the ledge. They reached for my hand. I was really tempted to go up there and dance. For those who didn’t know, I would always make it a point to bust a move in a manner that everyone would notice. But that night for some reason, I pretended to be shy. Offline Mike, who professes his hate for people who danced on ledges, stopped me.

Also, I didn’t want to make him feel like an outcast and the music was mediocre, too. We stood there for the first hour but occasionally he would leave me. Either to look for his friends or to look for “food.” After that he was gone for a long time. I was just glad that I could breathe. I was half-drunk already and the party was starting. I went up to the ledge but I was always looking out for offline Mike all the while. Bummer.

[Truth is, I am afraid it would destroy all my chances of getting him if he sees me Britney-dancing on the ledge]

When I was already sweating as if I were on a beach, I stepped down. My friends and I went out for a smoke. Lucas was there with his boyfriend, Jaime. Jaime told me offline Mike went home to do a number 2! HAHAHAHAH!

[To this day, Mike doesn’t know that Jaime told me he went home to take a dump.]

I didn’t think that he’d be back so I just went along my drinking and dancing. When he came back though, he texted “I am back with a new do.” I said to myself, “did he just shave his head?” Then, I saw him he just parted his hair sideways. I was already drunk so I didn’t give a damn about the new do. But for some reason, I felt in heat. All of a sudden, I really wanted to pin him down or plant one on him. Ack!

It’s official. I really like him – online or not. What was wrong during the last time was this: I like Mike more than he likes me and I hate it that’s why I just go halfway with him. I block all moves that will translate – YOU ARE RISKING IT ALL. If this is really it, then it’s sad.

As soon as that realization set in, I told my friends that we should go home. By then, I had lied to them and said I didn’t feel a thing when in fact, I really did feel something familiar. I am back in love again with Mike and that love is no longer that of a certain 19-year old boy. I thought to myself, I could really care for this person for a long period of time. It hurts though that at present, I cannot still get him: all of him.

I searched for him. And I hugged him goodbye. I kissed him again in the same spot (near his lips), at the apple of his right shoulder and at the middle of his back. He just patted my back and went back to the dance floor.

Internally, I was bit crushed but I was glad to have had validated what I have been feeling.

Online Vs Offline Mike

A writer once told me that in order for my stories to be understood, I have to tell them. I never really got what he said. So, like any aspiring writer, I asked what that meant. He simply said - write the truth and do not be afraid.

Seven years ago, I have had this major crush from college – Mike. He is almost three years older than I but he acts like his wounds from circumcision just healed. He is utterly juvenile, pretentious and undenyingly good-looking. He reminds me of Ryan Philippe in Cruel Intentions where the character Sebastian is a dick-wad and dangerous. Make that character gay who wears Supra and nylon jacket and he can pass as Mike.

Mike, back in the day, asked me out. I would not know how act though in that “date.” Would I be his date, his friend or his classmate? But it was definitely something like he was interested. He would always ask my flatmates of my whereabouts, if I were in my apartment or if I would be doing something that night. In one occasion, he held my hand while entering a bar but the biggest confirmation came in the form a knowing stare from his friends. Yes, whomever Mike liked was tagged as a target. An imaginary paper would be on your forehead saying: private property of Mike. The attention overwhelmed/ scared me. I turned him off instantly. That was the end of Chapter 1.

Now, it is different. I can compete with him. Thanks to the endless hours of watching gay porn and Queer As Folk, reading Outrage magazine, DowneLink and other Gay 101 online communities ad infinitum. I am equipped, informed and updated whatever there is to know about gay culture. My body parts have developed. I have gained weight and pimples have minimized. I can proudly say I am a looker now.

Meanwhile, he has aged. It is also surprising to know that at closer inspection how effeminate he is and how low his self-esteem is. This cuts the disparity in half. It is only a matter of time before I catch up with him. And maybe that time is NOW.

We have been platonic for almost two years but a couple of months ago things have led me to feeling borderline love for him. Since I am already confident with my career, my overall disposition, and myself, I believe I can take him down. There is one problem, however.
Most of the time we communicate online. And online he turns way up on. In person, he bores me. He does not interest me one bit. My friends suggest that I confront my feelings pronto. They worry about me. They have been in and out of several relationships while I sit in a corner listening to the details of their vicarious experiences about life sandwiched by love and sex. This is the reason why they want me to profess my feelings for him.

In my mind, why spoil something good? If this is working for me now, I do not have to worsen it by saying I like you. Reality destroys fantasy and they are not usually attractive.

Then again, the adage reminds you – it’s now or never crawls at the back of my thought. I can be man enough to confront it for whatever it is or leave it as it is. I want to be a man.

That said, I went out with him on Friday night. He asked me to meet up with him for a few drinks and some. Though he was sick, he wanted to party his flu away and show me the ropes on how to snag a mate. At seven in the evening sharp, I was at the house of one of my closest friends to have dinner, sleep over and prepare for the main event. By 8:30, he informed that he would take a nap. I said the same after a couple of beers. I had set the alarm at 10:30 and shut my eyes.

A few twists and turns later, I was wondering why I couldn’t sleep. I reached for my phone and searched for the time. IT WAS FUCKING 1:30AM ALREADY! I panicked. My friend just watched wondering what I would do. I sat down for a while and laughed. By then, he texted me already if I were still decent. I said, I missed my alarm but I could still go. I hopped into the shower. Put on clothes and make up. He was texting all along asking me if I was on my way and that he had been waiting for me.

Good thing I slept. My sleepyhead made me numb of my nervous excitement. I was calm. When I got there, a muscular guy, Eric, greeted and wanted to get my number. I said I was with someone. Then, Mike came to fetch me. He held my hand and we went inside. He introduced me to his friends. One of them, I already met - Lucas. Most of them were in their early thirties and I found them funny but for Mike he was just plain. Well, next to them he is.

One of his friends, Lucas, made fun of me by introducing me to a waiter, which I failed to recognize since I was still sleepy. I was mortified but it did not matter because I would need something to crack up Mike. We all had a good laugh. Then, silence. I noticed that everybody went back to his or her business. They had this game face on and that hungry look. Almost like a sex pang.

Minutes later, Mike fancied someone. His prey was unresponsive to him. Little did he know,his prey was looking at me! HA! I kept my mouth shut. I already knew in my heart, he would not score with that guy at least for that night.

So as we cruise through the crowd where he introduced me one by one, I found out that most of these are friends by association or by someone they fucked; very superficial basis in my opinion. But after every introduction, we would be left alone. One of his friends begrudgingly even said to Mike, “buti ka pa may date.” To which he replied, “sira! Hindi ito date.” I just laughed. Then, after that joke, we were back at each other’s attention again. Silently sipping our beers praying they were bottomless and smoking profusely. I tried to inject silly stories, which he responded to half-heartedly.

How can a guy so dynamic in chat, text and even phone calls lose such spark in person?
I remembered myself saying, “I’m bored” a lot of times. Things just got exciting when I noticed the scars on this left arm. He said he used to cut himself. Of course, I did not believe at first but it could be true. He showed me the cut he made on his chest. My hands went inside his shirt to feel the scar (and to feel his body) but I did not feel anything. I did not get horny or anything close to even thinking about it.

Then, I had a thought. Could it be Mike has a dual personality? Online, Mike was very engaging but there he was standing right beside me – shallow, uninteresting and damn awful quiet. I could not find that connection between the online Mike and offline Mike.

And at 4 A.M., I called off the search party. We had breakfast, which was composed of laughing at his friends, a pack of cigarettes, BLT sandwich and tapsilog. His friends who thought we went there as a date, let us go home first. While inside the cab, I laced our silence with a lot silly storie. Again, he responded half-heartedly. There would be no way for me to experience the dissolution of his character-disparity.

By the time he reached his place, I remembered the faces of my staunch supporters who rallied, prayed and stood behind me. I still feel lost with the offline Mike. But then again, I was never the performer who would let his audience down.

As soon as he gestured getting out of the cab and dropping fifty bucks into my hat, I said, “pa-kiss nga.” He leaned over and I kissed him a pore away from the tip of the right side of his lips. Yep! I still felt lost and platonic toward the offline Mike.

All the built-up emotions, expectations and seven years beget nothing. And instead of reaching a conclusion, I ended up having more questions. Such as have I outgrown him? Have I painted a different picture of him in my mind and I have fallen for the guy – the online Mike? Do I have to make bigger, grander moves to find out?

I really do not know. But this I will tell, I am proud to say that I tried to figure it out. I am not going to drop online or offline Mike right away but for now, I will keep on looking.

BREAKTHROUGH

What are the odds that in my lifetime I will never find someone that suits me?

The question in itself bears so many heartaches and potential meltdowns. Truth be told, I have placed myself out there -heart, mind, and soul and yet, nothing. The specks of time that traveled between my staring at this computer and wondering what to type has made the invisible, palpable. I am lonely. Maybe.

I have another looming heartbreak in my hands. An epic love story I have created in my head is dying. I cannot understand what I still want from him. We chat online and it's sexy hot but when we see each other and talk, he turns into an utter bore.

With all honesty and fairness to the person, he does not know what is hidden underneath my puns. I am guessing that if he likes me too, he will flirt back. Hmmm, maybe I do not need to write a lengthy blog about this and stick to the fact that he does not like me. Period.

{should you wish to tolerate me and my fantasies, please continue reading}

I am guessing that if he knows that I want to start somehting with him, he will give me a straight answer. We have had this friendship for almost two years and I have been emotionally occupied with other guys in between when I realized, I kinda sorta like him. This "like" is more of a grown up thing. What I want to have with him is the answer to my question. So last Friday, I confronted my feelings at the risk of losing his friendship.

It was a success on my part, I was able to carry out my mission, as planned. Whatever I felt for him was partially platonic and in person he offered little to pique my interest. But it would be hard for me to veer away from him. I had become his virtual companion but when we do something virtually - talk, chat and anything confined in that arena, I would be attracted to him. Oh, the conflict.

If I stick to the first linear, then the conflict would dissipate. Now, the plan must start. Okay, tomorrow.