In the Annette Bening Of My Mind

At the wake of my overdue heartache, I want to sit by the coolness of my realizations and be reflective. This is it – the end. I am at the twilight of all hopes and wishes that we will be okay. To seem fair, I really tried. Forgiving, forgetting. And for a moment it happened. But no amount of well wishes for him can compare to the level of hurt and shame he has placed me. This feels like an unattainable balance between the best and the worst of our memories.

And now, the sight of him has become unbearable. Everyday I have to hold on to the core of my beliefs that one day when the sands of time says so, I and/ or we will be fine. Here’s hoping. I’m just pretty beat up with the idea of getting back. The diabolical plan of staging an arresting revenge on him and his most treasured ego is just a waste of my time. This is an indicative response that my body and mind in unison, is moving on.

If this is so, then what am I doing now? Obsessing on the right words to use because I keep on having one last thing to say? Building a huge slideshow in my mind of all the things that led and kept me here? I really don’t know anymore. All I can still feel is this massive pain, this body blow.

The thing is, I have been here, this feeling but never in this state in all of my times and life. One of my best friends blames me for getting caught in this predicament. Maybe to her, I have given the man a lot of credit, trust, love and belief to a fault. And the man may have used all of these against me. Heck, I am using those, too to hurt me. That even makes me more stupid than I already am.

Time to admit defeat. Throw in the towel. Wave the white flag up, way way up. All those clichés that will continue on to embody losses and heartbreaks and separations. I fell in love with that “Casanova” notion of him in me and somehow have gotten mesmerized until things turned out to be what they really are. This is phony and I had to go through that paralyzing knockout before seeing it clearly. This is a mirage of the things I wish I had. I have unveiled the ugly truth already. All I have to do is move away from the illusion. Wake up from the haze. I am on it but this track is like a yo-yo.

If there is a way I can fuck my rage and be done with it in seconds, I am going to do it. Forget the high-road and the maturity. Where is that shortcut?

The PILOT

In this video the character of Winona Ryder, Susanna, wakes up on the night before she gets discharged from an asylum. Susanna realizes that her journal is gone and her cat, Ruby. She gets up to search but soon heard some noises coming from the basement where she and her friends usually hang out. Susanna follows the voices she has been hearing. It is her friend, Lisa, played by Angelina Jolie. Lisa is reading Susanna's journal in the cold and poorly-lit basement and she has an audience, Polly and Georgina.

Lisa (reading Susanna's journal): Lisa's eyes once so magnetic now just look empty.


Susanna: Lisa, that is mine!

Lisa: Georgina, lies only to people who keep her here. Sometimes I think she wants to live in Oz forever. How perceptive...

Georgina (lashing out to Susanna): You better erase it! My father is the head of the CIA and he can have you dead in minutes!

Lisa: In this world looks are everything. Sometimes I think Polly's sweetness and purity aren't genuine at all but a desperate attempt to make it easier at us to look at her. So nice to pass judgment on us now that you're cured.

Susanna: What the fuck are you doing Lisa?

Lisa: I'm trying to play the villain, baby. Just like what you want. Just trying to give you everything you want.

Susanna: No, you're not.

Lisa: You want your file? I gave you your file. You wanted out? I got you out! You needed money, I found you some! I fucking insisted to tell you the truth I didn't fucking write it in a fucking book. I told it to your face!

For two fucking minutes, I felt like I was Susanna.

There are situations when life pushes you to the brink of your sanity and you write down and express what it is that you feel and you cross your fingers that for a mere moment releasing these words will bring you back to your "normal" self. Now, you can only wish these thoughts will remain private. But when you find out that these musings will be used and misinterpreted as something that they are not, in the end these will only contribute to the magnitude of bleak-osity going on in your life.

Truth is, I have had the same experience with Susanna. The thought is not exactly dark in nature. It is in fact humorous, of course, at the expense of others. Then again, it is not purposely conceived to offend anyone. However, some people has taken that side. And since they have chosen to see it that way, I have made it a point to apologize To what extent do they want me to apologize is still unknown. To me though, I am done with it.

If this story finds them, I want to tell them that I had a ball making and writing that joke but more importantly, I want them to know how sorry I am if they ever feel maligned by it.

That is a just thought. It is actually private and it is mine.