At the wake of my overdue heartache, I want to sit by the coolness of my realizations and be reflective. This is it – the end. I am at the twilight of all hopes and wishes that we will be okay. To seem fair, I really tried. Forgiving, forgetting. And for a moment it happened. But no amount of well wishes for him can compare to the level of hurt and shame he has placed me. This feels like an unattainable balance between the best and the worst of our memories.
And now, the sight of him has become unbearable. Everyday I have to hold on to the core of my beliefs that one day when the sands of time says so, I and/ or we will be fine. Here’s hoping. I’m just pretty beat up with the idea of getting back. The diabolical plan of staging an arresting revenge on him and his most treasured ego is just a waste of my time. This is an indicative response that my body and mind in unison, is moving on.
If this is so, then what am I doing now? Obsessing on the right words to use because I keep on having one last thing to say? Building a huge slideshow in my mind of all the things that led and kept me here? I really don’t know anymore. All I can still feel is this massive pain, this body blow.
The thing is, I have been here, this feeling but never in this state in all of my times and life. One of my best friends blames me for getting caught in this predicament. Maybe to her, I have given the man a lot of credit, trust, love and belief to a fault. And the man may have used all of these against me. Heck, I am using those, too to hurt me. That even makes me more stupid than I already am.
Time to admit defeat. Throw in the towel. Wave the white flag up, way way up. All those clichés that will continue on to embody losses and heartbreaks and separations. I fell in love with that “Casanova” notion of him in me and somehow have gotten mesmerized until things turned out to be what they really are. This is phony and I had to go through that paralyzing knockout before seeing it clearly. This is a mirage of the things I wish I had. I have unveiled the ugly truth already. All I have to do is move away from the illusion. Wake up from the haze. I am on it but this track is like a yo-yo.
If there is a way I can fuck my rage and be done with it in seconds, I am going to do it. Forget the high-road and the maturity. Where is that shortcut?
